Everybody hurts sometimes.
People who experience post-traumatic growth still feel pain and have their fair share of negative emotions. We are not Pollyanna’s who constantly carry an irrational optimism about life despite its challenges. We feel the struggles very deeply as well. But rather than being crippled by the pain and inhibited from living a healthy life, we learn how to dance with the yucky feelings and gradually transform them into something meaningful.
A few days after I wrote my post about PTG, I had what I call a “grief day”. (I’m actively trying to avoid using the term “bad day”, as it implies that grief is a bad thing. It most certainly is not!) I have a couple of these days each month. A grief day generally begins when I wake up. I feel a general sense of doom and gloom about my present and future. My mind starts racing with thoughts like:
I miss my old life. I want Stephen back.
My best days are behind me. It’s nothing but uphill from here.
Why me? I don’t deserve this.
Essentially, I feel like Charlie Brown when he’s stuck out in the rain during one of his baseball games. And so, following suit, I say “Good grief!” and begin the choreography I have carefully developed over the last two years. While these days are certainly not fun, they have become manageable by following my well-practiced footwork. (Broken down into 8 steps, of course!)
Grief Day Choreography
01
Acknowledge What Is
I say to myself:
“Today is a grief day. I will move slowly, gently, and give myself grace.”
I also acknowledge that my negative thoughts are just that: thoughts. It does not mean that they are an accurate reflection of reality.
02
Gentle movement
When I’m having a grief day, I feel a heavy weight trying to keep me from getting out of bed. I try to counteract that feeling by forcing myself to move, albeit very slowly.
I will often take a leisurely walk outside, focusing on the flowers and the chirping birds.
03
Sunshine
One of my neighbors in Florida told me that he was solar-powered. And I am too!
Even if I cannot muster up the energy to walk, I will simply sit outside in the sun, and it always makes me feel a little bit brighter. (In the winter? Infrared saunas do the trick.)
04
Good Grief playlist
I made a playlist of songs that I find comforting during hard times or that remind me of Stephen. I listen to this all day. (And occasionally burst into tears. Which is totally acceptable.)
05
Reminisce
I indulge my desires to go back in time. I read old emails and texts from Stephen that make me smile through the tears. I look at photos and watch funny videos of us, cherishing all the joy and adventure we shared.
06
Reach out
I will reach out to family or a close friend to share with them that I am having a hard day. When grieving, it is very important to not feel alone in your sadness. We are social beings and hardwired for connection.
07
Gratitude
To combat all the negative thoughts spiraling in my head, I give thanks for all the things in my life that are going well. Our brains have a natural negativity bias, and regular gratitude practice helps to redirect our thoughts in a more positive direction.
08
Watch something silly
I wind down my good grief day by watching something lighthearted that makes me smile.
And as I drift off to sleep, I say:
“Good job, you made it through another grief day. The sun’ll come out tomorrow.”
And ya know what? It usually does. 🙂