We’ve all heard of PTSD, but have you ever heard of Post Traumatic Growth?
If not, then I’m super excited to tell you about it. I had no idea PTG existed until I started listening to the fantastic podcast The Happiness Lab several months ago. As I heard story after story of people going through deeply traumatic experiences and coming through the experience a happier, stronger person, I kept simultaneously thinking, “This is nothing short of miraculous!” and “I think I can relate to this!”
Shortly after Stephen died, I was deeply concerned that I would develop PTSD. I addressed that anxiety by investing in a lot of therapy. I was approved for intermittent FLMA so I could see my therapist multiple times a week. In addition to traditional talk therapy, I underwent several sessions of EMDR to address flashbacks. (As an aside, I highly recommend EMDR if you have experienced trauma and are disturbed by flashbacks. It is incredibly difficult work, but the long-term effects are astounding.) Thankfully, all that work did prevent PTSD from taking root. Success!
As I continued grieving and moving forward, I felt like something deeper was happening beyond simply returning to baseline. I was gradually becoming an “upgraded” version of who I was when Stephen was alive. My essence has not changed, but I have grown in many ways. And it turns out this experience has a clinical definition: post traumatic growth!
Five Domains of Post Traumatic Growth
According to psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, who developed the concept, individuals experiencing PTG typically report shifts in five main areas. I have experienced growth in all five categories:
1. Appreciation of Life
A fundamental shift in priorities and a newfound gratitude for everyday existence.
Over the last two years, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on what I need to be happy. Honestly, as long as I am regularly dancing, traveling, and spending quality time with family and friends, I seem to be consistently satisfied with my life. With the exception of moving back to Chicago, I have no major life goals. And I like the simplicity of that vision.
I’m much better now at delighting in the simple pleasures of life. I realize that chasing after big dreams is not quite as satisfying as you think it will be. I believe it’s best to simply appreciate the little blessings of each day: the unexpected phone call from a friend, the sunshine peeking through the clouds, your favorite song playing in the grocery store.
2. Relationships with Others
Deeper, more authentic connections with loved ones and an increased sense of compassion.
When you lose your spouse, you’ll quickly discover that you have an abundance of time to invest in other relationships. Rather than sitting around the house by myself (which felt like torture), I was making plans with friends frequently. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to nurture my relationships with family and friends, and in the process, I’ve realized that I have an amazing “tribe” of people supporting me! I can think of no greater blessing.
I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, but we now have an extra-special bond, having become widows within 6 months of each other. I’ve had so many meaningful conversations with her as we’ve processed our grief and love for our husbands. Our circumstances are radically different, as she was with my grandpa for nearly 70 years, but there’s surprising similarities as well. She is one of the few people I can talk to who truly “gets it.”
3. Personal Strength
The realization that one is much stronger and more capable than they previously imagined.
The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale ranks major life events that can contribute to illness, and the death of a spouse ranks number #1 on the list, with a Life Change Unit (LCU) score of 100. (The next highest is divorce with an LCU of 73.) So when I say that losing Stephen was life altering and earth shattering, I’m not being dramatic. It’s literally the most stressful thing a person goes through in life, and I was doing it at the tragically young age of 34. For the first few months without Stephen, I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, and I honestly didn’t know if I was ever going to feel better.
But I look at who I am two years later, and I have to say, I am a badass! I’ve always been a determined resilient person, but losing Stephen was far more challenging than any other struggle I’d faced in life. Now, I feel invincible. Whatever life throws at me, I know I am strong enough to deal with it with intelligence and grace. That is a very liberating feeling!
4. New Possibilities
The discovery of new paths, interests, or life directions that may not have been considered prior to the trauma.
If you had asked me five years ago if I thought of myself as a writer, I would have laughed and said “Gosh, no!” I’m an actuary. I like spreadsheets and number-crunching, not writing about my feelings. But starting this blog has been a huge benefit to my mental health. I love putting my ruminations down and sharing them with the world. While I started this blog mainly to help myself and get all my jumbled thoughts out of my head, I sincerely hope that it is helping fellow grieving people as well. More than anything, I want young widows to know that they are not alone and that healing is possible.
5. Spiritual or Existential Growth
A deepening of spiritual, religious, or philosophical beliefs and an expanded understanding of one’s purpose.
I’ve been a faithful churchgoer my entire life, but over the last two years, I’ve found myself becoming less and less interested in traditional church services. They do not nourish my spirit the way they used to. There are so many supposedly comforting ideas and words thrown around that no longer resonate with me. There are occasionally times I would like to pull a pastor aside and say, “I think you need to reconsider parts of your message.” I’ll be honest, I’m tired of all the platitudes and the belief that prayer can change things. To be totally blunt, I don’t know that prayer does anything at all!
What I do know is that I believe in a Great Spirit who can gently guide us if we quiet our hearts and minds to receive the wisdom. That’s why I’ve recently found myself gravitating towards more contemplative, meditative forms of worship. I’ve fallen in love with Quaker meetings. We simply sit in silence for an hour, connecting with the Light within, and if we feel the Spirit moving us to share some bit of wisdom with the larger group, people may speak aloud and share. But that’s all it is. It’s simple. Peaceful. Spacious. There’s no one telling me how to think or what to believe. And that’s what I need right now.
So now you know a bit about PTG! Go tell your friends about it! It’s fun to realize that my entire blog is a testament to the realities of PTG, and I didn’t even know my experience had a “label” until very recently.
I’ll close with the following quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which summarizes post traumatic growth far better than I ever could:
The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.