Following the Tao is hard sometimes.

Last year, I wrote a post about following the Tao. (If you haven’t read it, please do, so you understand my metaphorical references to the river of life.) It is one of my Gifts from Steve, and I strive to “go with the flow of life” as best I can. But I went through a challenging experience recently that has caused me to reflect on this concept and reevaluate how to put “following the Tao” into practice.

Last summer, I decided that I wasn’t interested in dating. I’m very content as a single woman, and I wanted to focus my energy on self-care and avoid the complicated emotions that come with romance. I was at peace with my life as it was. I have lots of rewarding friendships and hobbies that keep me busy. I didn’t feel like my life was missing anything, and I enjoyed the simplicity and freedom of not being tied down. I liked the feeling of my future being a blank slate, so to speak. In short, I felt like I was on the path. I was letting the river’s current push me along gently, enjoying the views along the way.

In the fall, a friend told me that he had feelings for me and was interested in dating. I was caught off guard, because I had felt quite clear that being single was my path. But then I wondered, “Should I go with the flow on this and try it? What’s the harm? If it works, it works. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.” I agreed we could give it a shot. He was a good friend and I enjoyed his company, and I looked forward to spending more time with him.

Unfortunately, after the honeymoon phase wore off, I started noticing some fundamental incompatibilities regarding attachment styles. I shared my observations with him, and I was hopeful that maybe things would improve in time. I just had to get used to it, right? (Keep in mind, I haven’t dated since I was 23, so I don’t really know what I’m doing.) Well, I gave it time, and my nervous system gradually entered a state of chronic dis-ease. I simply could not get comfortable with his attachment style, as much as I tried. I kept telling myself that there was nothing seriously wrong, and I ignored the dysregulated feelings in my body.

Four months in, I had a sudden moment of clarity that I should have been listening to my nervous system the whole time. I am a highly sensitive person, which means that my nervous system usually knows what’s right before my mind does. So I decided to “trust my gut”, as they say. I did a visualization, asking myself how it would feel if I were single again. And after days of chronic dysregulation and exhaustion, I could finally feel my body breathing a huge sigh of relief. That’s when I knew that I had seriously drifted off my path. I’d let the current push me down a branch of the river that I was not supposed to be on. I needed to get back on track.

I’m glad to say that I’ve found my way back to the main river, and I’ve renewed my commitment to being single. It was not an easy decision to make, because I saw how happy my boyfriend was with me, and I didn’t want to hurt him. But I also couldn’t stay in a relationship when I could feel in my body that it wasn’t my path. Looking back on the experience, I am grateful for all the nice moments we shared. But I am also sad and disappointed that let myself drift away in the process.

I now realize that following the Tao is much more nuanced that “going with the flow.” The current of life could easily push you into a giant rock or a fallen tree if you aren’t paying attention. While part of the wisdom of following the Tao is accepting that there are things we cannot control (such as the direction of the current), we also must make wise choices regarding the things we can control. While paddling upstream forever is a futile exercise, using a paddle to avoid hitting a rock is a very wise life choice! And now I know that my nervous system has good instincts, and I shouldn’t ignore it when something feels “off.”

I learned some valuable lessons in my journey down this detour. As my mom kindly reminded me, there are some things you can only learn by experiencing them.

I wish you all safe travels as you navigate the river of your life. The current will push us along, but remember to carry a paddle so you can avoid any collisions or wrong turns along the way.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.