Stephen always said, “Love is a dance.”
And as I’ve refined my dancing skills over the years, both literally and metaphorically, I couldn’t agree more. There are so many parallels I can draw between the physical act of dancing and the energetic dance of relationship. While I’ve been doing a lot of boot scootin’ and twirling over the last two years, I’ve been more nervous about attempting the dance of romance. But I took a risk and got out on the romantic dance floor last year. While I don’t have any “happily ever after” stories to share, I did learn some important things that I want to pass along to other widows who may be attempting the romantic dance again.
They talk the talk, but can they dance the dance?
You might find someone who always has the right things to say early on, specifically regarding your loss and your grief, but it is very important to remember that actions speak louder than words. I dated someone last fall who always had the perfect, most comforting things to say when I was struggling with grief, so I really thought he had the potential to be a good dance partner for me. Unfortunately, as time passed, I discovered that his dancing skills were not as refined as I had hoped. He would get jealous when I would spend time with Stephen’s family, and I sensed a lot of insecurity on his end, as I think he was feeling “Will Erin ever love me the way she loves Stephen?”
Dancing with a widow is a rather advanced dance style (I’m talking East Coast Swing with aerial lifts), and I’ll be brutally honest, there’s plenty of nice, well-meaning people out there who are not cut out for it. Your dance partner must understand that losing a spouse to death is not at all the same thing as losing a partner to breakup/divorce. You never “get over” losing your spouse. You learn how to integrate the loss, carry the grief so it is not overwhelming, and stay connected to your spouse by honoring their memory. But if they were your true love, you will never stop loving them. You will always miss them and feel a connection to them. And your dance partner has to have the maturity and depth to respect and honor the dance you shared with your late spouse.
I implore you, if someone ever disrespects you and says that you are not over your late spouse, stop the dance, walk away and don’t look back. That’s not a red flag; it’s a dealbreaker. That person will not be able to dance with you and your grief respectfully. Do not waste your time and energy on people who lack empathy for your widowhood.
Don’t dance with one person too long if they aren’t your style.
I’ll start by saying that no dance partner is perfect. I’ve danced with incredibly talented dancers who’ve goofed up on a particular move. Small missteps aside, when you are dancing with someone, you can get a sense pretty quickly of whether they match your style and energy. If they are frequently stepping on your toes or grasping your hands too tightly, the fun rapidly diminishes, and you feel ready to switch partners once the song is over. As I have developed my partner dancing over the last couple years, I can now identify within one song whether I would want to dance with that person again.
Unfortunately, because I have very little experience in the realm of romantic dancing (aka dating), my senses are not as attuned to who will be a good romantic partner. Last fall, I found myself caught in a situation where I was dancing with someone who didn’t really know how, but I felt obligated to give him a chance to improve because he said he would change. The extra month I spent waiting for him to change (with minimal results) was not good for either of us. Now I know that you do not dance with someone based on their potential; you dance with them because you enjoy the dance right now, just as it is. This is a really good question to ask yourself, which I will be using in future romantic dances:
If this person stayed exactly as they are today – no growth, no changes – would I genuinely choose them?
If the answer is no, then you should politely stop the dance. Don’t keep dancing with someone because they promise that they will learn to be a better dancer. Find someone who is a good dancer right now!
There’s only one way to learn how to dance… By dancing!
I had plenty of doubts about whether I was ready to start dating, as probably all widows do. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, and many widows never attempt to dance with someone new. As I’ve processed my romantic dances from last year and extracted the lessons so that future dances will flow better, my mother-in-law has always reminded me that there is only one way to learn how to dance… You have to dance! And it’s the same way with dating. The only way to learn how to date is by doing it. And I didn’t have experience dating before I met Stephen. He was the only adult relationship I’d ever had. So now I’m learning how to date for the first time, in my mid-thirties. And it feels daunting at times! It’s not easy adjusting to dancing with other people when I spent ten years dancing with only one person. I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but I have to give myself grace, just like I do when I’m learning a new dance style. And I hope that the people who dance with me will give me grace too.
So I can either beat myself up for the missteps I made along the way, or I can celebrate that I had the courage to get back on the dance floor. As I wrote about in a prior post, right now I feel that being single is my path. But one day, I will feel like attempting the romantic dance again. And now my moves are more refined and I’m better prepared for when I do decide to bust out my dancing shoes.