Stephen and I have been growing closer over the last seven weeks.
How is this possible, you ask? You haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 620 days! Trust me, I’ve been asking myself the same question. But lately, when I look at pictures of Steve or listen to recordings of his voice, I feel like it was just a couple days ago that we were hanging out on the couch watching a movie, letting our dog eat the leftover popcorn kernels out of the bowl. For the longest time, it felt like the distance between us was growing, but now it is starting to feel like it is shrinking!
I’ve been spending a lot of time in recent days reflecting on what has changed in this short span of time, and I’ve made some profound realizations on my grief journey that I’m excited to share. Drum roll, please!
1. Stop Resisting, Start Leaning In
My greatest fears after Stephen died were that I would lose the feeling of being with him, that I would never be able to be the person I was when he was alive, and that my memories would gradually fade into vague blurry images. And for awhile, those fears were manifesting themselves because I was spending so much time worrying about them. I was trying so hard to cling to certain memories and feelings that it was getting harder to recall them. In my desperate attempts to live in the past, I was not only losing the past but also completely incapable of living in the present.
And then I remembered the story of the Chinese finger trap that Stephen loved to tell. When you stick your fingers in the trap and attempt to get them out by pulling apart forcefully, the trap just closes in tighter. But if you do the counterintuitive thing and push your fingers towards each other, the grip of the trap loosens and you’re able to free yourself.
I decided to apply this analogy to my psychological mess, and rather than spending all my waking hours attempting to recall moments past, I would try to focus on the present moment. And as I move through my days, plenty of little things inevitably remind me of Stephen. But now when those memories do come back, they feel more vivid, and I don’t need to desperately cling to them anymore. I smile and trust that the next one will pop up before too long.
2. Channeling Spirits is Not a Hoax
At the end of October, I spent a week with Stephen’s mom at the cabin Stephen inherited from his grandmother (and now I have inherited from him.) The entire week, I was feeling strongly connected to Stephen, as this cabin was one of his favorite places on earth. On Halloween, I attended my weekly guided meditation, but this one was very different than the others. My meditation guide channels messages from the deceased, and on that day, he shared some deeply meaningful messages that I’m certain were from Stephen. I won’t share anything specific here as it was a profoundly intimate moment for me, but I can tell you that I am no longer a skeptic towards people who claim to communicate with spirits.
Ever since, I’ve been getting messages from Stephen every Friday via my meditation guide, and I’ve started a journal to record what is being channeled. These are a couple themes that come through almost every week:
I am always with you. And if you ask, I will help you.
You are loved unconditionally by the universe.
If that’s not reassuring, I don’t know what is.
3. We’re Inching Towards Death (and Eternal Life)
As I’ve been pondering my messages from Stephen and vivid feelings of his presence, I’ve realized that I’ve been thinking about my time/distance from Stephen totally backwards! As most people do, I’ve been measuring the days since April 5, 2024. But today I had a major a-ha moment. I can just as easily reframe this to say that with each day that passes, I’m moving one step closer to being reunited with Stephen.
Call me morbid, but let’s be real for a second. We’re all in the process of dying. Some are dying faster than others; some are closer to death’s door than others. But from the moment we’re born, we’re embarking on a journey towards death. And I’m one who believes that death is not the end, but rather the beginning of a new life in a new dimension. (More on that in my next post!) So I’m not actually moving farther away from Stephen, I’m moving closer to him!
My grandpa passed away two years ago, and in his final days, he said to my grandma that he was talking to his mom and dad. He was knocking on heaven’s door and transitioning to eternal life before he’d technically departed. And we’re all in some stage of this process. I find immense comfort in the idea that as I grow older, I will continue to grow closer to Stephen, and when my time comes, he will be the first one to greet me with an epic hug.