In the couple of months leading up to today, things were honestly going really great.
I went on an amazing snorkeling trip to Indonesia, sold my house in Florida quickly for a great profit, and moved into a beautiful new apartment with my sister and our plethora of pets. I was finding walking trails to enjoy with my dog, joined a church bell choir, and started taking dance lessons.
Then tragedy struck again. My dog Kelvin died very suddenly today.
Yesterday was a typical day. We went for our usual morning and early evening walks, he ate his food and snuggled up on my bed while I worked. Then when I went to get him for his late evening walk around 10:30 pm, I saw that he was sitting with his head tilted over severely to the left side, he couldn’t open his eyes, and he couldn’t stand up. There was a neurological crisis unfolding before my eyes. Less than 12 hours later, he was euthanized because all evidence pointed towards him having an inflamed brain tumor, and none of the steroids helped with the swelling.
I really strive to model a positive mindset on this blog, but I also think honesty is important. And I am really struggling right now. I cannot seem to find any sense of logic or silver lining to this tragic loss. Kelvin was my “surrogate Steve”, and growing closer to him over the last year was one of the big things that got me through the most intense waves of grief. And now once again, I’ve had a dear companion ripped away from me unexpectedly and with no warning.
My mind has taken me in a lot of weird directions today. Some of my thoughts are admittedly irrational, but for the sake of transparency, I will share them:
- Am I cursed? Is the universe punishing me for something?
- Who will be the next loved one to spontaneously die with no warning? Will it be next week? Next month? Next year?
- Was Kelvin simply unable to live without Stephen? And was the inflamed tumor caused by something I did? Did the stress of moving and grief cause this to happen?
- Is there any point in planning or dreaming about the future, when it could all be ripped away in the blink of an eye?
Grief in the Raw
I will write a follow-up post when I’m further along processing this tragic loss. But I thought it might be helpful to see what raw, fresh grief looks like. This is it. And it really really sucks. I know that I still have plenty of things to be grateful for in my life, but right now, I just need to wallow and say that I’m utterly miserable.