Let’s be honest, everyone can be frustrating sometimes.
I wanted to start off this blog by honoring all of my favorite things about Steve. (Please check out my Gifts from Steve posts if you haven’t already.) But let’s get real for a minute. After a few months of intense grieving and dwelling on all the things I missed, I started to notice that there was also a smattering of things that I didn’t miss about Steve. As he would sometimes jokingly (but truthfully) say, “No one’s farts smell like roses.” Even the happiest marriages have their share of challenges. That’s just part of being human.
I sat down one day and made a list of all the things I don’t miss. Then when I’m having a day when I’m down in the dumps and can’t stop missing him, I look at my handy-dandy list and remind myself that at least there’s some things I don’t have to deal with anymore. If you think this is a mean thing to do, that’s fine, you can judge me. But one of the intents of this blog is to be honest in sharing my grieving process. And this is something that has helped me.
If you’re a recent widow and are struggling to find some of the silver linings in your loss, here’s a few examples from my list. Some are superficial, and others are more significant. Maybe one of these will remind you of your husband, and you’ll say, “Actually, yeah, I don’t miss that!”
Examples of Things I Don’t Miss
- Steve wanting to play music loudly in the living room while I was working from my home office.
- Steve’s grocery list “system” was leaving the empty containers on the counter to remind himself to buy more at the store. (This is what sticky notes are for, Steve!)
- Listening to Steve complain about facets of American culture that he didn’t like
- Worrying about Steve’s various health issues
One of the biggest things I’ve learned in my grieving process is that there are pros and cons to everything in life. There were wonderful things about being married to Steve, and there were also challenging things. And that’s nothing specific to him. That’s every human being. We are all annoying and frustrating sometimes! And it’s okay to acknowledge that when you grieve. Steve was not a saint, and neither am I. We were just two imperfect people who shared enough common values and interests to create a beautiful wabi-sabi love story.
It feels like a great accomplishment to write this less than one year after Stephen’s death, but I can honestly say that I am just as happy as I was when he was alive. I lost many wonderful things when he left this world, but I also gained many wonderful things. I am living closer to my family now, I have the time to explore new passions such as taking dance lessons, and I can go on extravagant solo vacations that I would not have been able to afford for two people. (Upcoming blog post on this particular topic – stay tuned!)
I’ll close with the following quote by Alexander Graham Bell, which you’ve certainly heard before:
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
It took me about six months to be able to slowly turn my gaze away from the closed door, but once I did start to look around, I noticed that there were other exciting adventures in store for me. I’m looking forward to exploring some of the other open doors in the hallway of my life!