Do you know what “wabi-sabi” is? No, it isn’t that spicy green stuff you get on the side with your sushi.
Wabi-sabi is a Japanese aesthetic and philosophy that emphasizes accepting imperfection and finding beauty in the flawed nature of life. Stephen was a huge fan of the wabi-sabi way of life, and in my time with him, I learned to love it too.
On Saturdays, I focus on freeing myself from perfectionism and letting myself and my surroundings be wabi-sabi.
Before I met Steve, I was a dreadful perfectionist. I was an overachiever and I was afraid to try new things, fearing that I would make a mistake or not be good at them. This manifested itself in an extreme way in school. I was a straight-A student in middle school, so then I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a straight-A student in high school. Becoming valedictorian and getting a 4.0 GPA then led me to try to be a straight-A student in college. These were exhausting and stressful years for me. The irony of chasing after perfection is that it doesn’t make you happy at all! When I’d check my grades every semester and see that I got all A’s, I didn’t feel happy. I just felt this huge sense of relief… “Thank God I didn’t get an A-, because that would have been the end of the world!” It was really unhealthy.
And this continued on into my professional career. In my first performance review, I was told by my manager, “You care too much!” I was getting really stressed out because we missed a deadline, and he basically told me it wasn’t that big of a deal and I needed to chill out.
Then Steve came along. I found his lack of perfectionism so refreshing! His life philosophy was that if you make a mistake, just laugh it off, and it will make for a funny story to tell at your next dinner party. I gradually started to realize that my way of being was a total killjoy and I needed to change. Life is so much more enjoyable when you aren’t constantly comparing yourself to other people and trying to do everything right all the time!
These are some examples of Steve’s wabi-sabi ways:
- Kintsugi: This is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer. Stephen did this with various cups and mugs that would break over the years. And they are actually more beautiful after being broken and reassembled!
- Interior Design: We both loved pothos plants because they are very resilient and grow incredibly long, lush vines. We had at least one in almost every room of our home in Florida, and we let them grow wild. As the vines got longer and longer, we would find ways to rig them up onto the walls. It made for a wild jungle aesthetic that we loved. (I was very sad when my realtor told me I had to remove all the vines before putting the house on the market!)
- (Lack of) cleaning: Neither Steve or I had a passion for cleaning the house. We tidied up when necessary to keep our home from becoming a disaster zone, but neither of us tried to keep things flawless all the time. Living in a home is really not fun when you’re meticulously sweeping up pet hair every single day!
Be Perfectly Imperfect
Whenever I’d get down on myself for screwing something up, Stephen would gently remind me that I am “perfectly imperfect.” This is the core idea behind wabi-sabi: We are more beautiful with our cracks and flaws, because that allows them to be filled in with gold.
People can be perfectionists about a wide variety of things: houses, yards, careers, parenting, etc. Whatever it is that is killing your joy, set yourself free from the crippling effects of perfectionism. Thank you Steve, for helping me to embrace my beautifully wabi-sabi self.