If I can give any widow a word of advice, I would say you must prioritize self-care above all else.
I’ve always had a tendency to overcommit to people and push myself to the point of exhaustion in my attempts to please everyone. Steve observed my occasional meltdowns whenever I’d make promises to too many people and then not have any time left for myself. And he’d always gently (or sometimes a bit more firmly) say, “Erin, you need to prioritize yourself.”
I prioritize self-care every day. But on Thursdays, I give myself an extra dose of love.
In our wedding ceremony, our officiant wrote the following wise words, which were directed towards me:
And take gentle care of yourself also. Tend to your own needs, and find those sweet
places—places of rock and tree and altar—where you can renew your own spirit and
nurture your most cherished hopes.
Five years later, Stephen and I hosted a renewal of the vows ceremony at our home in Jacksonville to celebrate our anniversary with close friends from church. When those words were read, Steve nodded his head very emphatically at me. He knew that this was a regular struggle for me. And now more than ever, I must say no to things I cannot do and love myself the way he loved me so dearly.
Stephen faced various health challenges on his earthly journey, so he always had to prioritize self-care more than the average person. I observed his processes and learned a lot about how to better nurture my body, mind, and spirit.
This is a small subset of the self-care techniques I try to prioritize daily:
- Nutrition: Before I met Steve, I ate microwave dinners every night when I got home from work, then dove into my actuarial study materials. I told one of my friends this recently, and she gasped and said “That’s not the Erin I know!” I will be forever grateful to Stephen for teaching me how to eat and cook healthy meals. This became essential to my health when I developed bad eczema in my mid-20s. I couldn’t figure out the cause, and the creams from the dermatologist didn’t do a thing. Stephen mentioned to me several times, “I think it’s something you’re eating.” I dragged my feet for months, not wanting to change my diet, but when I became utterly miserable from the constant itching and bleeding, I finally heeded his advice and went to a nutritionist. Indeed, he was right! Turns out I have a gluten sensitivity. Once I cleaned up my diet, the eczema gradually faded away!
- Yoga: Stephen taught yoga in college, and he introduced me to yoga early on in our relationship. I went to various studios with him, attended the summer morning classes in Millennium Park, and when we bought our home in Florida, we used half of our (giant) bedroom as an at-home yoga studio. If you’ve never tried yoga, I highly recommend Yoga with Adriene on Youtube. It nurtures the body, mind, and spirit all at once!
- Alone Time: On the Myers-Briggs personality test, I fall in the middle of the range between extravert and introvert, with a slight tilt towards introversion. This means that I need an adequate amount of alone time in order to replenish my energy levels. As a widow, you have to get used to being alone. It was very unpleasant the first several months as I was yearning for his presence, but now I’ve found that I actually enjoy having more alone time to spend time writing, doing yoga, reading a book, playing the piano, taking a nap, or working on a jigsaw puzzle. I watched a documentary about Rita Moreno recently, and she was talking about what it was like to be a widow. She said that it’s fun living by yourself when you like who you live with, and I love that sentiment!
Be Your Own Best Friend
Stephen told me several years ago that I needed to learn to be my own best friend. There’s a lot of wisdom in that advice. I often heard him give similar advice to his therapy clients. In a healthy relationship, there isn’t a sense that you need the other person to survive; you are with them because you want to be with them.
Someone told me that grief is love with nowhere to go. I felt that a lot the first several months after I lost Steve. Then I decided to direct all that love back towards myself, and it actually feels really nice. Thank you Steve, for always reminding me to prioritize self-care.